my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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