I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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