She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
