I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
