The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
