Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
