i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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