I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
