Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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