I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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