The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
