Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
