and she was petting her beer can
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
