when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
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I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.