census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
