i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
