good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.