I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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