I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
