Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
