I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
