We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
