Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
