I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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