You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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