My liver just broke up with me...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
