I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
