My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
