the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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