I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
