ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Someone signed my nipple.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
