she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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