My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
