Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
