Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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