So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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