got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Four minutes until I can fart!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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