Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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