I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
