I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
