i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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