anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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