I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
