I think im going to throw up on grandma
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
