Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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