member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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