I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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