My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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