So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I need to align my fucking chakras
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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