You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
