I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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