Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
