i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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