i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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