My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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