i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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