just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
