I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
