last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.