My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
