On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
